My husband and I were married in the summer of 2000. We were both excited to start a family so when six months had gone by after the wedding and we weren't pregnant yet, I became concerned. We were both healthy and young at 24 and 27. I mentioned we were trying to get pregnant to my gynecologist during an annual visit and he said to come back to see him if we continued to have a problem. Another six months went by without pregnancy so I went in to see him again. He ordered tests on the both of us. My husband's results weren't good. The results could have been a fluke, so he was referred to a urologist for more testing. Several sperm samples were taken and a biopsy was done on each of his testicles. The results were devastating.. no sperm. None. Well, ONE, but it was an immature sperm that could not be used for fertilization.
So now what? While we were trying to digest the diagnosis of male factor infertility, our country was attacked on 9-11. Depression washed over me like ocean waves. I couldn't catch my breath. A picture on TV. Wave. Friends getting pregnant easily. Wave. Another negative pregnancy test. Wave. More pictures on tv. Wave. I was taking everything so personally, emotionally, seriously. Nothing seemed funny anymore. I loved my husband and I was grieving for the children I could never have with him.
Still, I kept working, kept hoping. And eventually I pulled my head out of the water. I found a book at Barnes and Noble one day about donor insemination. I read it in secret, afraid to mention the idea to my husband. His ego had taken quite a hit after the biopsy results came back and his masculinity was fragile. His identity had changed. The book was called "Helping the Stork" and it explained the process of using a donor, the emotions involved, the commitment. I loved the idea, but how could I ask my husband to be on board with it? My anxiety was high. The scratch from claws of depression were threatening to pull me under again. Finally, I broached the subject and let my husband make this decision. After a few months of careful thought and conversation he decided to find out more information.
No comments:
Post a Comment